So as promised, I have lots to say today. This is going to be really long. Maybe I'll break it up into two posts, or maybe not. Mostly this is based on the wise words in PR pro Kelly Cutrone's book: "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside." This book definitely hit home to me and exactly how I feel at this particular point in my life. She touts it as a guide for young women starting out in their careers and lives on how to succeed based on their own definitions of success, not the success others have defined for them, which for me is something that is really important.
Now, just to be clear, this post is not intended to solicit any responses like, "Anne we support you no matter what." or "Whatever you choose to do will make us happy." I know that and I'm lucky, this is simply a response to a book and how it made me feel.
Right off the bat, I connected with a few things about Kelly. We both work in PR and both moved to NY at a tender age (she was 22, I was 24). She didn't really know anyone when she got here, neither did I. She really had no idea that PR was what she wanted to do, neither did I, but turns out, I'm pretty good at it, and she's now one of the most successful out there. Just FYI she is 44 now.
She talks about a concept that I've thrown around a lot over the last 5 years, a local "tribe." This means to seek out and connect with people
with similar experiences who can teach, support and mentor you. To me, this group has always been different from the amazing family and lifelong friends I've had. There is no better support system than the one I have had since birth, but as someone just starting out, the tribe was/is there as a means to get practical, hands on advice and mentoring. I also think that as a woman it is imperative to have successful and strong women as tribe leaders (ahem, I started out with Jean, doesn't get much stronger than that!) so have deliberately sought them out.
The first and most influential member of my tribe is my dear friend Barbara, a Kelly Cutrone-esque woman. When I moved to NY, Barbara was 8 years into a 10-year tenure as communications director for NBC Nightly News and Meet the Press. She had a reputation within the msnbc.com west coast office of being a total hard ass, but from the moment I met her in NY, I knew she wasn't. She has a similar attitude to Kelly Cutrone: no bullshit, has been doing this a long time and knows what she's doing, ready and willing to teach and help people who are ready and willing to be taught and learn. She doesn't put up with entitled entry level employees who think they're god's gift to the company, but you'll become the best news publicist out there if you swallow your pride and let her teach you a thing or two. I don't need Barbara on a day to day basis anymore, but I ask her for advice often and she's always there to give it. Kelly says the same thing in her book. She's giving young people the tools to succeed in fashion PR, so shut up, listen, learn and most importantly, don't think you're above ANY task you're given.
I have many other tribe members that I've accumulated along the way, and I hope that eventually, I can be a Barbara for someone else down the road.
The title of the book is "If You Have to Cry Go Outside" and that is based off the idea that business is business and in order to be perceived as capable and professional, particularly as a young employee, you have to conduct yourself with capability and professionalism. In other words, if you have to cry, go outside. Kelly told a few stories in her book about having bosses and clients scream at her, fire her, tell her she's awful, etc. and being confident enough to not lose her composure.
I remember a few years ago I made a mistake that directly impacted the president of NBC News. It turned out to make no difference businesswise, but he was rightfully upset and took a good 10 minutes on the phone to sternly let me know he was. I didn't cry, I just professionally and calmly apologized and a few years later when I left the company, he shook my hand and thanked me for my hard work, certainly not remembering that mistake, but remembering my professionalism and good attitude. That was long before Kelly Cutrone coined this phrase, but it was solid advice then and I will remember it even more after reading this book.
The final thing that Kelly talked about that really resonated with me was the idea of defining success for yourself, whatever that might be and however different it is from those who are close to you. If you ask me to define success right now, I would say that it is living that famous Frank Sinatra line "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere!" I want to contribute professionally to the media landscape in New York, I want to live in a neighborhood where I'm recognized when I walk down the street (even if it's just by the coffee shop employee and a bartender), I want to help people and causes that I feel passionate about. I want when the history of all of New York City is written there to be at least a line about me. I'd prefer a paragraph, but a line will do. I'm not there yet, I'm closer than I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago, last month, and I know it will be a lifelong journey.
One thing I do know is that unlike a lot of people, marriage and kids doesn't even crack the top five of the things I'm doing that define success for me right now. It's not that I'm not open to that, I certainly enjoy dating (I even enjoy dating contests!) and if I were to fall head over heels in love with someone, a la my sister and Danny, I'd be thrilled to get married, have a family, all of that. But I'm not on a quest to do that, and right now, I'd rather have an apartment with a washer and dryer than a husband.
In the book, Kelly talks about getting married and divorced really young, and now having a daughter as a single mother. And whatever relationship successes or failures she's had were only a sliver of what has defined overall success for her. Barbara, from my tribe is in her early 50s. She's wildly successful in her profession, is in a relationship now but hasn't always been and doesn't have any kids. I remember her saying to me one time, "You know what, I woke up one day and realized that I forgot to get married and have kids!!" If I'm as happy as Barbara when I'm 50, I'll have lots to be thankful for!
So while I'm over-the-moon happy for everyone I know who is happy in love, getting married, having a baby, etc., that's not on my priority list and please don't be offended if you hear me say buzz off the next time I'm asked about it. I'd love to talk about how well my team did at the latest bar trivia night, how my hot yoga practice is going, what the latest innovation Sporting News has come up with, how I think the Packers did in the NFL draft and a million other things that are defining success for me at this point in my life. And most of all I don't want the "don't worry, it'll happen for you" kind of pity looks. "It" IS happening for me! "It" just isn't necessarily what others think it should be.
So thank you Kelly Cutrone for so articulately writing about exactly how I feel on June 21, 2010. This might change as soon as on my subway ride home, but for now, I feel like this was written exactly for me!
